Count, Barackula

A week ago the government sent me a letter. “Uh-oh,” was my first thought. Fortunately, the letter was not from the IRS. It told me that this week they would be sending me a form to fill out. Well, thanks Uncle Sam, but why didn’t you just send me the form now and save a tree (and some taxpayer money)? This letter, along with the $15 billion (yes, BILLION) Census budget misled me about what to expect when I opened my Census form last night.

The Super Bowl ad directed by Christopher Guest and starring Ed Begley, Jr., the other commercials, the letters, the blogs, the news coverage, and all the rest of the hype led me to believe that the 2010 Census would be an onerous task; that I would need to disclose everything and anything about my household. When I got last week’s letter, I immediately began preparing for the Census by counting things they would allegedly want to know about my household. Let’s see: 2 people, 1 dog, 2 cats, 2 televisions, I’m a PC, she’s a Mac, 2 cars, Cottonelle, Coke, Crest, 57 dust bunnies under 1 couch, 62 under the other couch, have an Oreck, apparently need a Dyson, 3 gray hairs, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I was certain that with this amount of effort and this much money poured into reminding me to answer the questions that Uncle Sam, the NSA, Big Brother, and Jack Bauer wanted to know about me and my household that the Census questionnaire would be epic. It would be a massive government survey that would drain the life blood out of me like a vampire as I spent hour after hour after hour answering it.

So imagine my surprise when I opened my Census form last night and it was only 16 questions long: four preliminary questions and six questions each for myself and my wife. They were benign questions: name, race, relationship, Hispanic origin, and some other basic demographic questions. I, a big privacy advocate, had no problem answering any of them except my phone number. $15 billion of taxpayer money was spent on what essentially amounts to ten questions. The population of the United States, according to the Census Bureau (of course) is approximately 300 million people. Therefore, President Obama owes me about another $50.00 back on my taxes this year.

All joking, cynicism, and government criticism aside, the Census is a vitally important function of the Government. It is so important it is mandated by the United States Constitution. As a lawyer, I am an officer of one of the branches of government (the judiciary) and often get asked questions that do not strictly deal with personal injury law. Sometimes, I can answer them: Yes, you are obligated under federal law to answer the Census form. The Census determines how congressional districts are apportioned, which makes a difference in who represents us in Congress and how over $400 billion in federal funds are wasted (um...I meant to say “allocated.” I apologize, Senator Stevens). It is an important task and you should do your civic duty and answer it. It doesn’t take long; I answered mine in less than five minutes. There is no need to try to get out of it like you would try to get out of jury duty (which you also shouldn’t do!).

Disclaimer: The views of the author are his own. You have a right to disagree with him. His wife frequently exercises this right. Now that the Bush Administration has ended, we all have the right to criticize the government free from the fear of prosecution and a trip to Guantanamo. The author does not endorse nor is affiliated with any particular party, group, or candidate. He is friends with Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians and the like. He has great respect for all Members of Congress and other elected and appointed officials. He is, however, slightly afraid of Nancy Pelosi. The author would like you to know that the fact that John Edwards and many other disgraced politicians are also lawyers is just a coincidence.