Inquisitive Idiots

A high school teacher of mine always reminded us that there are no stupid questions. Rather, there are only inquisitive idiots. As a group, we lawyers are often some of the most idiotic of inquisitors. So, why do we ask so many seemingly stupid questions? Sometimes the court requires us to. For example, have you ever seen a lawyer do this?:

Lawyer: Your Honor, we call John Smith to the stand.

(witness approaches and is sworn)

Lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Smith. Can you please state your full name for the record?

Mr. Smith: John Smith.

Lawyer: Thank you, Mr. Smith.

If the jury didn’t know Mr. Smith was the witness’s name, they sure as heck do now. I think it’s boring to the jury and a complete waste of time to have a witness state their full name for the record when you’ve already called them by their name at least twice prior to asking the question. It’s a stupid question. I generally skip this part and just go into the testimony. Some judges, however, will make me go through the traditional spiel and that's their prerogative.

The other reason we inquisitive idiots ask the nonsensical questions we do is that it’s hard not to do so sometimes. In a deposition, for example, the lawyer is simultaneously asking a question, taking notes, listening to the deponent’s response, and thinking about their next question. Sometimes (often with too little coffee in our system) we ask some dumb questions as a result. It happens to all of us as some point in our careers (except me if you happen to be both simultaneously my boss and reading this). Here are some of my favorite dumb questions that lawyers have asked, taken from a variety of sources around the Internet:

1. “Were you alone or by yourself?”

2. “Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?”

3. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that in most cases when a person dies in his sleep he just quietly passes and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

4. “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

5. “How many times have you committed suicide?”

All humor aside, if you have a question for your lawyer then ask it. No matter how small or trivial it may seem, your lawyer should not be too busy to take the time to get an answer to you. And don’t be afraid of asking a “stupid question,” your lawyer has done the same at least once in their lifetime.