Say What?

Let me share with you what annoys me about Starbucks. First, a medium coffee now costs $2.01. The extra penny is entirely unnecessary. The second thing that annoys me about Starbucks are the beverages that are everything but coffee. You know the drinks I am talking about: Venti skinny no whip caramel macchiato. Grande extra whip no syrup cinnamon dolce latte. Orange mango banana Vivanno smoothie with extra whip. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I order coffee, not just because I love coffee, but also because even attempting to order these other concoctions makes my tongue knot, eyes cross, and brain hurt. I presume the language in which I am ordering the drink is English, but I have absolutely no idea what any of it means.

It occurs to me as I sit writing this in my favorite Starbucks that the same things that annoy me about the coffee company annoy you about lawyers. That is, we’re expensive and often don’t make any sense. It’s not our fault for the most part, however. In law school, we learn a language called “Legalese.” It’s a bastardized and pretentious version of English that the folks at Rosetta Stone haven’t developed a program for yet. The language ruins our ability to communicate with so-called normal people and angers our friends and family when we use it. Have you ever told your wife to “please comply forthwith?” I highly recommend that you don’t. If you do, I know of a personal injury firm you’ll likely need to call afterward.

You see, after three years of the linguistic odyssey known as law school, most lawyers can’t help themselves any longer. Good lawyers know that the key to client service and persuading a jury is to talk with said people as if they are actually people. To use English. But, all joking aside, we lawyers are people; imperfect people with hard to break language habits drilled into us by precedent and a profession steeped in tradition. This trial lawyer has seen lawyers in depositions act like American tourists in a non-English speaking country:

Lawyer: Please describe with particularity the events comprising the incident described in your Complaint.

Deponent: I don’t think I understand the question.

Lawyer: PLEASE…DESCRIBE…WITH…PAR-TIC-U-LAR-ITY…THE…EVENTS…COMPRISING…THE…IN-CI-DENT…DESCRIBED…IN…YOUR…COMPLAINT!

Rather than translating the Legalese (e.g., “Tell me what happened”), the lawyer thinks it will be beneficial and an understanding of the “language” will suddenly be achieved if they just talk louder and slower to the person. To treat the person as if they were deaf and dumb. Luckily, this happens fairly infrequently in my expereince, but it’s still annoying.

The key to a successful attorney-client relationship is communication. If you do not understand something, then you should let your lawyer know and keep asking questions until you get an answer you understand in plain English. If you are the lawyer, then please remember to speak plainly and clearly for the benefit of everyone involved.

Please comply forthwith.

Disclaimer: This blog post is not intended to convey any personalized legal advice upon anyone. The views of the author are his own. Parts of this post were intended to be humorous for the benefit of Monday morning. The author apologizes if the reader did not laugh and took everything seriously. Legalese is not a recognized language. The message contained herein regarding ensuring that you understand the legal advice given to you by your lawyer, however, is serious. For the record, the author loves Starbucks and thinks they have the best coffee around.